cute things make me want to shoot myself

i hate you. i seriously hate you. 

but can i blame someone else for my misfortune?

yes. and no. 

because i’ve been doing that my whole life, 

and it’s gotten me nowhere,

taken me farther from what i had hoped would be the finish line. 

so let me just pack my bags and leave.

let me just put away whatever’s left of my self-esteem,

and send you on your way to greatness. 

let me just put on a smile, wave ruefully, close the door with a soft thud. 

oh, don’t worry. i’ve erased all of me from your blasted hardware.

there’s no button to delete my imprint on everything else, though. 

sorry,

but i’m not sorry. 

because the smallest things are the greatest things, right? 

i figured going to the salon and getting my hair dyed red would be so much better than curling up and dying because something i’d been working on did not pan out… for the second time. 

i figured asking my stylist to cut my hair really short and agreeing to leave the front part black would be so much better than crying my eyes out and posting my pains on facebook, twitter, tumblr and the like for all the world to know. 

i figured spending a ridiculously large amount of money on myself would be so much better than trying to pin down the whys and the hows, when it’s as clear as day that what has happened is something i have no control over. 

i figured looking at the mirror from this day forward and seeing my stylist’s wicked handiwork would be so much better than staring at the computer screen and feeling hurt over all the harsh words and pointed criticisms being hurled at me. at us. 

i figured battling with my own demons of convention would be so much better than arguing with people over who is to blame for all the mess. 

because

at the end of the day

i realized that things happened the way they did to prevent someone from hurting even more

that i will always value friendship more than anything else

that people who make pretty promises but don’t give a damn about the tears i shed when they’re hastily broken are not worth my time at all. 

i am tired of fighting over you. 

i’ll just do what i do best.

i’ll fight alongside you.

i’ll fight with you.

i’ll fight for you.

i can give you up. 

yes, i think i can do that now.

but 

i’ll never give up on you. 

i’ll always believe

because that’s what you asked of me.

it’s getting harder and harder to fight for you.

the saddest thing about this battle is

it’s not even you who’s making it so difficult.

rather

it’s the people who say they love you, too.

i hope there’s still space in your heart for us.

if before, i wanted all of it,

now, i think i’d be quite content with just a bit. 

you know, right?

you know that even if we don’t make too much noise,

that even if we seem like we’re just in the background, 

that we are still here,

and that we’re still always ready to support and protect you.